"The ADD adult is often a night owl... something in the ADD adult dreads going to bed and turning the light off. The fear is of being alone with one's urgent mind for even a few short minutes."
-Gabor Mate, Scattered
I believe my last post is time-stamped 4:10 a.m.
I am typing this at 2:36 a.m.
I am feeling a little somber, contemplative, not quite of the detached mood. I think the best writing usually happens with some degree of detachment like that. My best writing does, anyway.
I took 6 mg of melatonin and it almost knocked me out but then I caught a 2nd wind. Now here I am.
I feel a little bit of shame at having embraced the ADHD label. I think it is rooted in the idea that I am looking for some force beyond my control to which I can ascribe my failures in life. I mean, I feel shame over the idea that I ... I dunno. I am sensitive to the idea that I am trying to lift the burden of my major failures in life off my own shoulders and place it elsewhere. It wasn't me that brought home all those bad grades, never finished homework assignments, failed college, instigated an unplanned pregnancy... it was the one-armed man!
Until sometime in late 2007, I assumed all these failures were due to me being some kind of morally deficient. Lazy. At some point in late elementary school or early middle school, other, normal kids developed studying habits. Because I am lazy and stupid and irresponsible, I did not, and thus by my own deficiency doomed myself to a life of constant non-achievement.
Sometime in late 2007, I do not recall why, I decided to sit at my desk at work and avoid work by taking an online ADHD assessment. Goodness gracious, me, the assessment said, I may very likely have ADHD and I should talk to a professional. Multiple professionals have since endorsed the label.
So what? How am I permitted to redefine myself and my history? Why does it matter?
Was it no longer Lazy that plopped my teenage ass in front of a TV for hours on weekday evenings when homework was to be done, and/or other wholesome activities could've been engaged? Was it now ADHD?
This is, of course, the debate that anyone in the country who bothers to think about the subject for 5 seconds engages in when they ponder this label. Is it some sort of real disease/problem or an excuse? The question matters because the answer determines the amount of sympathy we choose allot to the victim. Victim of Lazy: no sympathy. Victim of ADHD: maybe sympathy.
Whether it's Lazy or ADHD, how much control did I have? I do not know, I can't know. It doesn't matter.
How much control can I get now? Like anyone, I just want as much as I can get. I guess I embraced the label because, emotionally, it gave me permission to forgive myself a little bit, and gave me a mindset that whatever my problem is, whatever label it has on it, I can now take responsibility for it and do something about it, rather than just walking around telling myself about my inherent deficiencies and just sitting back and witnessing more sad prophecies proceed self-fulfilled.
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